My life is not as happy as I would like it to be
It’s filled with depression and people I thought once cared about me
People who told me “boy well be there for you every step of the way”
The thoughts that run through my mind sometimes make me feel like I, Kaleo Kaopua is just not good enough.
I push myself and my body to an extent where I feel like literally passing out and sleeping forever without ever opening my eyes again and just to be at rest.
My lord and savior is Jesus Christ and the person who helps me get through each and everyday.
Many think they have a hard life, some think they do and others take advantage of the family they have.
Sometimes I don’t feel like myself and I feel frustrated at the world just because sometimes I don’t feel that love that every child is suppose to feel.
I guess I need to man up but I honestly think I cry everynight before I go to bed, no one really knows because I don’t want people feeling bad for me.
I just wish they understood, I don’t make sense to the people I love and I’m sorry if I hurt them and make them feel like they can’t trust me.
I look like the average high school student everyone see’s in school but they don’t really know me.
I mean, to not feel loved growing up is hard and makes you feel like “why was I even put here on this Earth”
My tears are my emotions I show because of everything I endured growing up, and most often some say I cry for no reason but if you really knew me, you would know every detail why I am the way I am.
I don’t feel like making someone else depressed or feeling bad for me so I keep it to myself, sometimes I wish I had a son or daughter to show them that love I never had and so I can provide food for them and care for them and show them, I brought you here because you’re someone special to me. You’re not a “miracle child” but you’re my blessing from God.
Everyday is a battle for me one way or another and I hope and pray I have the stregnth to get through it. Day by day, one step at a time.
You really don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. That’s the model I lived by today and will live by for the rest of my life as well. Today started off a little different than normal, I woke up around 5:30ish this morning, actually I started to actually get up at 5:37 a.m and started to cook breakfast for me and the most amazing girl in my life, my beautiful girlfriend, Courtney-Anne Aboy. I cooked us vienna sausage, eggs with green onions and I even cooked rice. I’m no chef, but I tried to do something special for her to let her know that I love her <3 While cooking the vienna sausages, she calls me like normal to tell me goodmorning and that she’s getting ready for school and she’s going to catch the 6:50 a.m bus. My aunty dropped me off at the school and I waited behind the recycling thing for her, lol. We went in the cafe, sat on a table no one is suppose to sit on, sat in the corner table in the cafe and I got to feed my baby :) When the bell rang for school to start, everything went normally until… I’m going to start crying talking about it…. My mom had an asthma attack and hasn’t been feeling well lately, some other stuff happen and I was told I was packing my bags, and moving to Washington tonight, no questions asked I sat in 1st period thinking it was a joke. The bell rang shortly after and I really needed to tell my girlfriend becuase I didn’t know what was going on in that moment, my girlfriends class is right next to mine and I was going to tell her, in the middle of trying to explain it, she was talking to her friends and I didn’t know what to do, because I felt like my voice didn’t want to be heard so I walked away irritated and hurt. It’s not her fault at all though because she didn’t know, but when she just told me bye, after I said bye, and I seen her walk up to her class, I walked to SP all irritated and hurt and confused. As soon as I hit the corner of the wall, I broke. I cried and felt so hurt. I walked into SP and sat by my bestfriend/my brother Keanu he asked me you good bro? and I said I din’t wanna talk and I left class. I got another call and it hit me again, I’m moving tonight, no warning, no nothing and I was caught by surprise. I walked into SP and cried my eyes out ALL class and thought so much different things I felt like seriously hurting myself. But I thought about Courtney and how much she means to me and I wouldn’t wanther to feel any pain. When the bell rand for recess, I went up to see her and I told her what was happening. She looked at me, hugged me and cried with me. Seeing her cry was the most painful thing ever, I don’t ever have a choice usually but when I seen her cry because of me and because she cared about me, I knew right there, I wasn’t going to leave her. I would rather die then live without her. We hugged and cried together all recess and when the bell rang I just wanted to hold her and tell her that I love her no matter what happens. :’( When she walked in class I left, I thought about what she told me, “I’m the best thing that happen to her in high school” and I cried so much because I try to be there for her no matter what and I just can’t live my life without her. I sat by the gym during 3rd period by myslef and cried. Then Uncle Joe came, I told him I was waiting for my grandma but I wasn’t. Then Colbert came and I told him the same thing, he told me go see Coach Mats in P-17. I went and talked to him and I cried my eyes out even more, and somehow some way, I was able to stay in Hawaii. My mom usually stands by her decision no matter what, but she had a change of heart and I went from being the saddest person in America to being on top of the world. In that moment I cried in happiness and couldn’t wait to let Courtney know, “I’m here” No matter what ever happens in my life, I will ALWAYS be there for her and keep her in my heart ALWAYS and FOREVER. I tell her she’s “My” Beautiful Filipino Cheerleading Goddess, because she is <3 I honestly do love her with ALL of my heart and would do anything for her, I would die for. During lunch I waited outside her class for her and I fed her the left over breakfast, and talked and smiled with her. She even skipped her meeting to be with me :’) awwww. Then when the bell rang I walked her to class and kissed her like ALWAYS :’) After school we sat on the middle of A-building stairs and then we caught the bus to her house. I skipped track practice to be with her and I spent the entire day with the love of my life and the girl of my dreams and I couldn’t be happier :’D She makes me feel so loved and important, something I NEVER really felt and she just completes me. From the day we met… omg you called :D lol ok but really I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART COURTNEY, and I’m so glad that I still get to see your beautiful face everyday :’D I love hearing your voice so that’s all I’m going to write for now so I can talk to you until we fall asleep together :’D I love you my baby <3 And I’m very thankful to have you in my life and I don’t eer want to lose you, I want to be with you until I take my last breathes on this very Earth. I love you <3
Love always from October 4, 2011 until my last breathe on this Earth, your bestfriend, boyfriend, future husband, cocoa puff, everything and more, Kaleo Juztin Pi’imauna Kaopua <3 Me nov you, nom nom nom :’D
